Month: June 2003

Random notes, updates, etc.

Finished Ender’s Game. Great book, and I’m probably the last person on the earth who hadn’t read it, so I won’t bother to recommend it. Finished it in a day, and was disappointed that we didn’t have the next book on hand. Will borrow from someone, or library. Ender rocks, though I really like Valentine, also.

I’m hermiting again. I hate summer. Makes me want to hermit.

Reading another David Brin novel. Kiln People. It’s odd. But good, in an odd, gumshoe of the future sort of way.

Made fabulous chicken tonight:

heat a frying pan with 1 tablespoon of olive oil, a few pinches of garlic powder, black pepper, rosemary, salt, and oregano. Slice chicken breasts in half and lay down in heated oil/herb mix. Fry until both sides are that yummy caramel brown. Pour a cap or two of tequila into the pan. Continue to fry until the chicken is -almost- blackened.

Taste sensation.

something’s unfinished
something’s undone
I’m sleeping
wake me later
when my battle is won

Very cute…

Liakela‘s LiveJournal Slut Stats
The below percentages indicate what Liakela has done with the 68 people on her friends list!
met
58.8%
hugged
52.9%
dated
0.0%
seen topless
19.1%
seen naked
8.8%
made out
1.5%
oral sex
1.5%
fucked
1.5%
What are your LiveJournal Slut Stats?
Support our sponsor and help pay bandwidth costs: Looking for CHEAP perscription stimulant ‘appetite suppressants’? Why go to the doctors office when you can order them online from us? Don’t resort to the street! No prior perscription required!

It’s Tuesday, and there is something going on with me on Thursday. I’m nervous and excited, but leery of myself. I’ve been reading lots about ENFPs, nodding at some of the more glaring bells that go off when I read something about myself and recognize it as part of my own personality.

Today’s discussion: Complete authenticity.

When I was younger (so much younger than today. Ok, I’ll stop) I would analyze my behavior in relation to the group that I would be a part of, recognizing how I would change my persona to fit what I believed to be the most acceptable to that group.

As I experimented with social groups (this was a biproduct of my moving around as much as I did between the ages of 19 and 29) I kept and used the ability to analyze my behavior, but did away with changing my persona to fit these different groups. I strove for authenticity. For who the real Rachel was.

Anytime I noticed myself putting on a facade, I would pause–give myself those couple of seconds to poke at what I was about to do or say, make sure that I wasn’t being ‘fake’, and then I would move on. It’s odd, perhaps. But I think that over the past five years I have truly been able to reach into my core and project my feelings and ideas and opinions without the filter of the company I’m keeping.

Can I maintain that? I dunno. I do very well initially. It was more difficult to maintain that authenticity over a long period of time when I first began experimenting on myself.

Ok, and it makes me feel very self conscious talking about it. Because really, I used to be very fake. Very very very fake. The downside of this is that I can spot someone being fake easily. And yes, I consider it to be a downside because I remember what it was like being ‘that person’. I don’t know this person’s inner dreams, ideals, worries, no. But I know they’re putting forth a persona tailored to appease the group we’re in or, god forbid, me.

So, anyway. Why am I bringing all of this up? Because I’m anxious about how well I got on with this particular person. How I strove for and achieved authenticity, and that my core was what attracted. And so I worry that I’ll somehow sabotage all of this by trying to be something I’m not, but what I think will be pleasing to this person.

Ugh.

Interviewed by haloedone

1. What happened to cause you to leave your husband? (Or, how did ‘the end’ come about?) The summer before I left my husband, we got into an argument. I don’t recall how the argument started, but it was unlike any other argument that we’d ever had before. It was painful. Hurtful. He said things to me that were as violent as a slap to the face, though he never laid a hand on me throughout our relationship. I threw my wedding ring at him. After I threw a lamp at him. I slept on the front porch in my nightgown, until it got too cold, and then I slept on the couch. I was angry, hurt, betrayed…it was horrible. The ring had been lost, I thought, and that’s how I felt in the marriage. Lost. The next day was morose and grey, the kids were the only distraction I had, and it was distraction enough. Later that evening, Ace apologized, and held out the ring–he’d looked for and found it. I accepted the apology, and the ring, but every time I looked at him, I could only hear the most horrible things that he’d said to me. Over time, those words grew uglier and more hateful in my heart, until looking at my husband made me feel physically ill. I’d convinced myself that I was no longer in love with him, and that I in fact hated him. If I’d known better, I could have worked harder at finding the ‘center’ of our relationship again. Sought out counseling…something. I wish, often, that I did. But it’s experience, and I’ll take it with me into my next relationship.

2. Why does his new wife feel so antagonistic towards you? I’m not sure why. I’m not sure even that it was his wife that sent those emails. It very well may be. It could be because Ace, up to the last time we saw eachother, let me know that he wanted to be with me.

3. You’ve mentioned some ‘bad times’ in your past with men (I’d be more specific, but this isn’t locked down enough for that). Could you/would you tell me more about them? Up until the time I was 17, my life consisted of one molestation/rape after the other. My first sexual encounter with men was at the age of 5. After two rapes by strangers, my mother married someone she was terrified of. My step-father molested me from the age of 9 to 17. I was a victim for my entire childhood, and stopped it when I had my step-father arrested and jailed. I don’t like to define myself by the things that have happened to me. All of that is in the past, and though I do have issues that need working on, mostly dealing with self-worth, I do not believe that I still carry all of that mess with me. I forgave the men who ruined my innocence, made peace with it, and moved on.

4. How do you feel about the use of drugs (be as detailed as you are comfortable being)? I think that alcohol is as bad as any other recreational drug, legal or illegal. And that there should be regulations on those that are just as harmful as cigarettes or alcohol. What people do in privacy should be just that. Private.

5. Tell me about your children, I don’t hear you talk about them a lot… What are their names, how old are they, what are they like, how do they feel about the situation they’re in? Joseph and Anna are going to be 8 years old in 13 days. They’re amazing kids, and I miss them to the point of physical pain. Anna is very prim and girlish, hates wearing jeans, love skirts, lace, and frills. Joseph is the consumate boy. Skinned knee and all. They look a lot alike, and very much like their father. Anna has blond hair and blue eyes, and Joseph has the most delicious chocolate-brown hair and eyes. And they both have freckles, Anna with the most.

6. Are you harder on yourself than others are? Why is that? Are you doing anything to change it (and what, for those of us who could use help with that too)? I think I am, yes. I see the failures of my life and have a difficult time getting mentally past them. They do seem to add up, and each new failure rocks me harder than the previous one. Right now, it’s difficult to express just how. I’m not sure why it is…or how to change it.

7. If you could tell your children any one thing, other than ‘I love you’, what would it be? I would tell them that their life is a gift. Each day should be embraced with wonder. And that happiness is not guaranteed. It’s earned.

8. Do you have brothers/sisters? What are they like? How old are they? What are your parents like/your relationship with them? I don’t know. :o) I’ve been told that my father had twins with the woman he married after he and my mother divorced. His family believes they are his. My mother believes they are not, that his wife had them before he married her. So, I may, or may not, have twin half-brothers. My father’s family is working hard to figure it out. I do have someone in my life who is not my biological brother, but the son of a man my mother lived with for 8 years. His name is Joe, he’s a marine and living in Hawaii. He’s 25 or 26 by now, and has a son, Brayden who looks just like him.

My father is dead, he committed suicide a few days before I turned 4 (I didn’t find this out until about 5 years ago, when I finally found his family). My mother is an accountant that lives in Phoenix, AZ. She and I get along much better now than we ever did before. Our personalities tend to clash strongly when we’re together for any length of time, but time apart and distance tends to mend our relationship.

9. If you could be a cup/mug/glass of any kind, what would you be? Would you have a design on it? If so, what? Why did you say the answers you did? I would be a pilsner glass. Tall and sleek. No markings. Just my shape, and the delicious brew inside to recommend me.

10. If you could have any one non-monetary thing right now, what would it be and why? Love without pity or suspicion.

Interview

Thanks to astalavista for coming up with these interview questions. And as far as I have seen, the way it goes is this: I answer, if you’d like for me to come up with intervew questions for you to answer, reply to this posting, and I’ll get right on that! :o) Now, without further ado, My Interview

1. Did you ever regret your BBBs or do you like them? There are times when I do regret the BBBs, mostly because they tend to be what men speak to, rather than look me in the eye when we talk, or they’re in the way when I’m trying to do nearly anything. They also contribute largely to my back pain, but…overall, they’re a part of me, and I love myself and all of my 2000 parts.

2. What would be your dream job? My dream job would have me doing the following: Living on a hugely acre’d farm with a large barn that would serve as my woodworking shop, pottery studio and general art studio, raising vegetables, animals, and kids (not necessarily in that order) and from the recording studio in the basement of our rambling farmhouse, I would record music for bands just starting out.

3. What’s your favorite beverage, alcoholic or non? This is a tough one. Non alcoholic: iced coffee or blended ice-coffee (crushed ice, like a Coffee Coolatta a la Dunkin Donuts). Alcoholic: Vanilla vodka

4. What’s the strangest experience you ever think you made?This is also a hard question to answer. I find I’m looking back over my life, trying to pinpoint the strangest experience in an overall strange life. But then I keep thinking back to one series of events, and so I’ll list those: When I was in the first and second grade, my best friend was a kid named Patrick. He and I would spend all of our time together, either playing war, beating up on eachother, or yelling and screaming at eachother. (nice, huh?) I would go to his house after school and we would play around with his G.I. Joe’s or his projecting View-Master, and then when it was time for me to get going, he would lock his door, and block my way out of the house, not letting me out. I would scream and yell at him to let me go, but he would beg me to stay for just a little longer, play one more game, etc. Each time this happened, and really it was every day, I would tell him that if he didn’t let me out, I wouldn’t be his best friend anymore. He wouldn’t like that, and after hearing that a couple times, would let me out, and then walk me home, begging for ‘one more chance’, and promising not to lock me in again tomorrow. We would get into huge, outrageous fights in class, and there was one time that I was so mad at him, I threw a chair at him in Mrs. Liddell’s class. *laughs* It was the saddest day ever when I found out he was moving. I never saw him again, after he moved.

5. What do you like about German boardgames, and what’s your favorite ever boardgame?My roommate certainly likes them better than I do, and he’s got quite a better grasp on which are good etc… as far as why I like them? They’re interesting. They’re well thought out, usually, and they’re fun! (and I can play them online! Woo!) My favorite…hrm. I love Carcasonne. I love Settlers. Those’d have to be my two favorites.